Exploitation =/= Abuse

How being forced to appear on reality television at an early age has shaped my relationship to my parents

Does exploiting someone automatically mean that they were abused? Exploitation involves taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability for person gain. The more vulnerable, the greater the risk of maleffects from the exploitation, right?

My mom is a self-proclaimed parenting expert who promotes her parenting style publicly and widely. It is part of how she makes her living. In order to keep this blog anonymous, I will not be revealing what exactly her parenting style entails, but it has to do with therapy + harnessing the subconscious mind.

When I was 14 and asked to appear on a reality television show to promote my mother’s parenting techniques, I said no. I said that it makes me uncomfortable, that I wouldn’t want anyone to see me in this context, and that it could hurt my image and future career. I was told in response that this TV show would benefit my mom’s business, help our family, and that the only way my family (my mom, my dad, and siblings) could participate is if we all said yes. There wasn’t really a way to say no, expressing my discomfort has never stopped them before, and low and behold we had a film crew in our living room.

I was asked to lie on television. I humiliated myself. I can’t give you any details since the last thing I want is for you, the reader, to go look it up. I keep this blog private for a reason. But let me be clear: the show did not paint my family in a good light. It made my mom appear erratic and unhinged. Yes, reality TV is mostly fabricated, and people know this to a degree. I was asked to lie in a way that went against who I am. I participated in this stupid TV episode, just 11 minutes of a 22 minute segment, to keep the peace. To not be a problem. I did my best not to humiliate myself and yet my family ended up looking dysfunctional on national television despite everything.

This little TV segment launched national interviews with famous talk hosts. Since it was about a parenting style, the shows demanded the result of said parenting, or in other words, me, since I was the only one living at home at the time. I would appear on TV to promote my mom’s business three more times before leaving for college.

I regret every single appearance.

One time I was bombarded as soon as I got home, a camera waiting for me before I could respond yes or no. So I gave the interview without makeup, greasy wet hair, in sweatpants, at 16 years old.

Another time my mom said she would pay off an educational expense I had incurred, 3,000 USD for one interview. I was 17, dressed up like a doll, flown first class across the country. Wondering if I was doing the right thing. Anxiety clenched in my stomach at the thought of twisting the truth on air, again. I was so awkward that it was only broadcast live, and they cut my part out for the re-runs and online posting. Thank goodness for small mercies. Still, I wished I had picked up more shifts at work to pay off the expense rather than pay for it with my integrity. A life lesson I have since internalized.

I’m 27 now. This all happened more than 10 years ago. So why do I still think about it?

I’ve had to come to terms with a lot during my PhD. I have stretches of time before me where I am free to do as I wish, paid, secure, so long as I get my work done. Time to think, time to reflect. And sometimes, when I would get stuck on a problem at work, I would find my mind wandering to less pleasant memories and emotions that have still lodged themselves in my body and psyche.

Including my childhood, my loneliness, early struggles that I could never quite explain. Then my mind takes me to my family, who are currently ~5,900 miles away.

It wasn’t conscious, my decision to get physical distance. I told myself that I wanted better education opportunities, better healthcare, new adventure and experiences. But the greatest gift living abroad has been the distance itself. Space to breathe and be myself.

The reality TV segments and interviews online are the only physical evidence that I have for the chronic coercion and manipulation I experienced all throughout my childhood. I cling to this specific injustice of unfairly appearing on TV as if to say: “See! It wasn’t all in my head, this really happened!”. I was exploited on television for my mom’s personal gain.

Anyway, as you might have noticed in my last post, I have trouble accepting things that might be obvious to others. Case in point, my reluctance to accept my ADHD diagnosis despite a lifetime of struggling and two separate diagnoses (I partially chock this up to my mom, a licensed health professional and my dad, a doctor, repeatedly denying an ADHD diagnosis when I would bring up my struggles, but as they say, the cobblers children go unshod). And so I am slow to accept that my parents, specifically my mom, exploited me while my dad passively allowed it to occur. No one wants to see their parents as abusers. They were doing the best they could with what they had. They put a roof over my head, food and clothing. They are both upstanding members of the community.

And I was exploited. And my needs went unmet. And I was treated as a burden while also having to be living proof that her parenting methods worked. That meant straight A’s, excelling at a sport, while being as easy going as possible. Being sick was seen as a failure. My good grades and sports status were used as proof that everything was okay. And the reality was that I was drowning with no one around to help pull me up. If I asked for help, well that would break the appearance. That would lead to punishment.

Now I live ~5,900 miles away with profound relief that I get to make my own choices. Yes, I lost control of my own public appearance long ago through these TV shows and interviews. But, I am slowly retraining the search engine optimization (SEO) with each PhD publication so when my name is looked up, you see my contributions to the scientific community, not the prop my mother to used to gain more clout.

I still talk to my family. I am not one of those no contact promoters. Boundaries, small talk, timed calls. Only a few days visiting over the holidays. This is not what I thought being an adult would be like. Having to spend my 20s accepting and healing my childhood. I hope I can excel in my 30s, putting the past behind me. Maybe I can help others who felt exploited by their parents, but I have never once met anyone like me to be honest. I don’t know anyone else who was put on TV against her will. Who had to perform instead of be a child. Who was a prop first and a person second. I see on social media sometimes, vloggers who capture their parenting techniques, tips and tricks, their children’s intimate moments on full display at an age before they can give consent. How many might turn out like me? Resentful, confused, not knowing what was ok, and what crossed the line? Hopefully this post brings comfort to anyone who was in a similar position and struggling to accept their past so they can carve a better future.

Anyway, let me know if this resonated with anyone.

Till next time.

-TBoN